Your Definitive 8-Step Guide for Dealing with Assholes
Have you ever crossed paths with someone who — for no justifiable reason whatsoever — treated you like an actual piece of human faeces? Who, for some unbeknownst reason, reciprocated your kindness with what felt like a punch to the gut? A punch that forced you to question your faith in humanity?
Of course, you have. Who hasn't? Assholes exist. Period. Every one of us — at some stage or other — are going to come up against at least a few. And the better we can both detect and deal with the asshole, the better our lives will be.
The Asshole, Ladies & Gentlemen
Assholes take shape in many different forms. They live on a spectrum: The asshole spectrum.
For example, assholes and bullies and not mutually exclusive. All bullies are assholes, yet not all assholes are bullies. All bullies would grace the upper tier of the spectrum.
And then, of course, you have your personal beliefs: I consider disingenuous people to be assholes. But you're unlikely to be left psychologically traumatised from having to deal with one. And therefore, they would grace the lower tier of the spectrum.
Here are just a few — off the top of my head — examples of behaviour rendering asshole status:
Murderers and rapists. Obviously.
Racists, bigots, supremacists, extremists, and xenophobes.
Anyone who bullies or belittles another human.
Backstabbers.
Anyone who utters the words, "do you know who I am?"
People who are rude to service providers.
Service providers who act the dick and expect you to tip them for it.
HR professionals who demand you put in an unmerciful effort to apply for a job yet don't have the decency to get back to you and thank you for your time let alone provide you with feedback.
Anyone who thinks you should work for free.
Anyone who doesn't respect you, your time, or your space.
Entitled people and ideologists.
People who think it's ok to not pay for services rendered.
People who think they are above others.
That person who complains to the boss about a colleague without first speaking to their colleague.
Kiss asses.
People who never say thank you and expect you to just do shit for them.
People who don't clean up their dog’s shit.
As you can see, the above examples are based loosely on a spectrum, with the top tier being the worst offenders and the bottom being me.
The list goes on. I can be an asshole. Clearly. So too can you. We can all be assholes. And we could all do with doing a little work on being less of an asshole — to make our way down the spectrum.
One approach for dealing with assholes is to have complete compassion and empathy for all that must have happened for them to behave in such a manner.
But what about the manipulative breed who cast this as an excuse to justify treating people like shit for their own gain?
”But, you're responsible for how people treat you, and if you let them treat you like shit, you have nobody else to blame but yourself,” I can hear some asshole say...
To which I say, Fuck Up, Buck! That is not a justification. Sure, you have to learn to stand up for yourself and not let people take advantage of you and treat you like shit. But that doesn't omit or excuse the fact that this skill must be learned because you're an asshole.
The worst kind of common asshole is the bully:
Bullies can — and do — ruin people’s lives. Unfortunately, humanity is often too quick to hand out virtual blowjobs to these pricks because they value wealth and power over decency.
Most of us have seen disgusting behaviour by an asshole we secretly condemn yet passively condone because said asshole might be our boss or a gatekeeper to something we want. Or we just don't want the inconvenience of doing what's right and calling them out.
This, I would imagine, is precisely why Harvey Weinstein got away with being a scumbag for so long. That and the fact the fear and shame were too much to confront for his victims.
When the asshole thought he'd get away with it.
This article was originally looking more like a dissertation with multiple sub-categories for the different type of assholes further subcategorised to ensure every asshole on the spectrum got their time to shine.
Needless to say, I was dealing with a cluster of assholes at the time. And it was beginning to weigh me down.
My anger had boiled over from my youth, where I had allowed too many treat me like shit. No more. I wanted my vengeance. To slay the dragon. Play my royal flush and eradicate them all. I wanted blood.
More than anything, I wanted to close the moral gap. And to feel justified in doing so, regardless of the consequences.
(Note: Mark Manson goes into great detail on the topic of moral gaps in his book, Everything is Fucked.)
Thankfully, it was around this time the idea of the anxiety support summit was born, thrusting me into an entirely new dimension and challenge that left me with zero time to deal with said assholes.
The lucky bastards had been pardoned. Me? I was onto bigger and better things.
Unfortunately, my girlfriend was recently put under considerable stress by some asshole who decided to take advantage of her incredible expertise and generosity. But this prick didn't live up to her end of the bargain. And she made Sarka's life hell, reigniting my rage in the process.
And so, as Sarka struggled to come to terms with the weight of the stress this asshole was putting her through, she turned to her boyfriend who — as it turned out — had ample experience.
It was when Sarka expressed a desire to kill, I knew that A) I was possibly rubbing off on her for all the wrong reasons, and B) it was time for Zen Master Nicky to step in and save the day. And while I'm not one to brag, save the day I did!
Sarka soon moved from a state of suffering to one of beauty. And in that moment, she turned to me and said;
‘love, you need to finish zat asshole post. You need to sharrre yourrr visdom and ze light frrrom yourrr purrrified soul vith all yourrr rrreaderrrs to sparrre zem frrrom such agony and despairrr.’
And so, I type these words here for you today.
(Note: Sarka is Czech and sounds nothing like that. I just wanted to make the point we can all be assholes. Plus, I laughed for about an hour when I wrote it. And by wrote it, I mean pasted the text into a free online Russian accent simulator.)
Here's your 8-step definitive guide for dealing with assholes:
1. Remove them from your life.
Kindness, unfortunately, can make you vulnerable. This is why I encourage a one-strike policy. At least with people you haven't known that long. The second they take the piss, as far as I'm concerned, off is where they can fuck.
There will, of course, be instances worthy of a trial. It's up to you to decipher the time for their specific crime.
Indeed, it gets a bit tricky with family members, colleagues, employers, partners, friends, or friends by association.
In any case, it's good to distance yourself from those that trigger you. And you can always let them know their actions are unwelcome and you would appreciate if they stop.
If they continue to act up out of spite — a common asshole trait — and make your life miserable, remember you have no obligation — irrespective of who they are — to keep them in your life.
They don't deserve your kindness or to have you in their life. So, the best thing you can do is erase them. And in doing so, create space for better humans.
Bob Knows!
2. Speak up
The sad reality is people will disrespect you if you let them. So you have to learn to speak up and confront them when option A isn't available to you. You have to learn to say NO. Not cool, buddy!
Most people struggle here because they wouldn't do what the asshole did. They might even blame themselves. They will take it as a rejection. An assault on their character. Rejection breeds obsession. And shit, before long, you end up trying to win the affection of the asshole, allowing the asshole to stick around and continue to be an asshole. The asshole wins. You lose.
Most assholes are not heavyweights. They're phantom weight at best who got away with treating you like shit because you let them. If you confront them, they'll likely get all weird and uncomfortable and think twice before disrespecting you again. Or they'll remove themselves from your life. Either way, it's a win.
3. Fight back
Sometimes you do get heavyweights. And sometimes it is best to fight back — for respect and to drive the message home that you're not going to allow them to treat you or another human in such a despicable way.
I love a rebel. I love it when someone believes so much in their fight that they refuse to back down regardless of the implications. And often, there are serious implications — especially when dealing with a calculating, power-hungry, manipulative, bully.
Colin Kaepernick took a kneel for social injustice and lost a job playing the game he loved and millions of dollars in the process. It takes tremendous courage to stand up to an asshole. Or a bunch of assholes? Sometimes walking away is your best option because it still shows them how little worth they have over you.
And sometimes, calling them out publicly or sending them that letter from your lawyers is an incredible act of bravery. And while it may cause you considerable stress that may or may not be worth it when all is said and done, you might end up saving someone from living through a similar hell to which you were put through. You may ACTUALLY contribute to making the world a better place. And surely that's worth it.
4. Know it often stems from a deep insecurity
Whilst it's not an excuse, it might be nice to know that most assholes act from a deep state of insecurity. They are not happy people. They do not go home and feel good about themselves. No joy when they look in the mirror. They are desperate for something and blind to the fact their behaviour won't get it for them. They'll be used, never loved. And they're usually weak, rarely strong.
5. Kill them with kindness
A lot of people get off on being assholes and treating others like shit, so if you decide, in spite of how they have treated you, to kill them with kindness, they won't know how to react. They'll feel as if they've got the bends with no oxygen mask insight. And as a result, will likely leave you in peace and maybe even treat you with the respect you deserve moving forward.
6. Let it go
There is a time to fight. There is also a time to let it go and walk away. It's normal to be infuriated when people treat you like shit, but too often, the best thing is to let the anger sit and go back over it in your mind and ask questions of yourself as to how this happened, what are the lessons, and what can you do to limit the chances of it happening again?
And to feel sorry for them. Like really pity them if that's how they need to behave to feel good about themselves.
7. Trust in Karma
I don't know if I am a big believer in Karma, at least the western definition. But I liken it for the purpose of this post. At the very least, I believe there is emotional distress in those that treat other people like shit, and if they continue down this path, they will eventually get what's coming to them.
Epstein and Weinstein are just a couple names that come to mind.
8. Finally, don't become one.
I'm stunned by how many adults I see drool at the opportunity to put someone down.
I see grown-ass men and women willfully ridicule people in social media groups and berate them because they don't agree with them.
Being an asshole is part of their strategy. Or their brand. Or their desired identity. Because they think it's cool. It's not. It's sad. They're likely alright people. But they're still assholes.
Tempting as it is, don't lower yourself by becoming one.
When you do act the asshole, swallow your pride and apologise to the person you were an asshole too.
I'm not talking about bending over to some absurd ideologist who thinks the world should be governed by their laws. I'm talking about apologising when you act the prick to someone who didn't deserve it.
After all, we don't need one more asshole in the world—we need one less.
The end.