The Need to Feel Important

The movie, Joker, caused an uproar online when audiences around the globe found themselves empathizing with a man who committed cold-blooded murder. But why?

How could the writers pen something so controversial it would seduce viewers into feeling empathy for the Joker, despite the killing spree he went on? 

Maybe the writers knew something we, the audience, did not. And maybe they used this genius to create a cluster fuck of a masterpiece.

In Dale Carnegie's classic book, How To Win Friends & Influence People, he speaks about our fundamental need to feel important. Tony Robbins refers to this as the need to feel significant. Steve Rose, PhD, refers to this as the need to be needed.

No matter how saint-like one might be — altruistic, charitable, or caring — there is a fundamental need for importance or significance or to be needed driving their actions. 

I need this. You need this. We all need this. It's universal. 

The reason, I suspect, so many warmed to the Joker is because they could feel his pain. Or at least imagine how shit it must be to be made to feel so insignificant or unimportant by so many. And seeing how appallingly he was treated clearly hit a nerve to the extent many were still on the side of the Joker following his premeditated massacre. 

He was a nice guy. The others were dicks. Fuck 'em. 

Obviously, this is never ok. Unfortunately, we see it play out often in the States with mass shootings carried out by those who have been made to feel insignificant their whole lives. 

While these are extreme cases: our needs are our needs. If we don't meet them in a positive way, you can be guaranteed we will meet them in a negative way. 

So why are you telling me this, Nicky?

Good question. I've rambled a bit, but basically, it's because this need has everything to do with our mental health. When I interviewed spiritual leader, Preethaji for the Anxiety Support Summit, she taught me something profound: All suffering is rooted in an obsession with oneself. 

At first, I thought it a bit harsh. Talk about kicking someone when they're down? But she has a point. She also has Oprah as a fan and a Ted Talk with 2.5 million views for a reason — she knows her shit!

If all suffering is an obsession with oneself, what is it that we are trying to accomplish in our suffering?

Often, we are trying to fill our need for importance or significance, relevance, or acceptance. And here is where the shit can really hit the fan and go ass over tit because more often than not, we go about it the wrong way — we create more suffering. 

Ain't that a bitch?

For example, a celebrity whose career is going down the shitter may start to act out in the media to bring the attention back on them. But not in a good way. And not in a way that will lead to them feeling good about themselves.

Conversely, a celebrity whose star begins to dwindle may focus on their family or being more altruistic or charitable or starting a meaningful business. Something bigger than themselves. And that will lead to a positive outcome. 

In one's suffering, you have to look inwards. But you also have to look outwards. 

Otherwise, you'll likely find yourself in a very vicious cycle. The more helpless you feel — like nothing has worked and you've tried everything — the more likely you are to become resentful and engage in self-pity. 

And the more you engage in self-pity without personal accountability, the more likely you are to keep spinning down the spiral, pushing people away, and fuelling more resentment. 

It's brutal — the mind — I know. And most — if not all — of this behaviour is unconscious. 

(Note: I should probably remind you I don't know you. I'm not judging. I've been there. This is universal.)

I'm simply writing some thoughts down that may or may not help you. Because when you know, when you gain that awareness and insight, then you can do something about it.

So, what can you do about it?

- You can volunteer your time and help others

- You can remove yourself from people who don't respect you

- You can quit a job

- You can begin to show interest in others and what's going on in their lives

- You can walk away from those that reject you and seek out those that will love you (rejection breeds obsession)

- You can quit things that are negatively impacting your mood

- You can end shitty relationships and seek out better ones

- You can ask questions of others and be curious as to what's going on in their lives

- You can stop focussing on all you perceive to be shit in your world, and start focussing on creating a new and better environment for you to exist in 

- You can put an end to self-pity 

- You can feed the homeless or give them some money

- You can let people know how much you appreciate them

And you can cheer really fucking loud for others. So they can hear you and want to be in your presence. 

The list goes on and on. This is not to undermine your struggle. It's to help alleviate it. There is so much good you can do that will help you to feel more relevant, important, or significant. Whatever you want to call it?

So why not get out there and do it? Step out of your world and into someone else's. It might just come back to you in spades. 

(Note: The Comfort Zone Challenge helps greatly with this.)

Just don't expect much from someone caught up in their own self-importance. After all, is that not what pushed the Joker over the edge?