The Monumental Cost of Holding Onto Resentment

Deep down in the pit of many souls struggling with anxiety disorders is a big pile of resentment — resentment that has been bubbling and building beneath the surface for a significant amount of time. Resentment those suffering will often try to ignore and suppress at all costs for reasons you'll soon find out. This resentment needs to be acknowledged. Because only by acknowledging it can you put it to rest.

As Elizabeth Gilbert once said, "As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you."

A trap many anxious folks often fall into is the trap whereby they try to do everything right. Because sometimes, trying to do everything right will fuck you up even more. 

I often meet saints who follow the book, play by play — they eat right, exercise, meditate, seek counseling, practice yoga, and gratitude, live a life of virtue, don't treat people like shit, etc. And yet, despite all this, inside, they are dying, consumed 24/7 by anxiety or depression. 

What's going on?

If you're nodding your head, thinking, "fuck, that's me," with the big-bad-word omitted because you don't want to insinuate or admit to anger — then this article is for you. 

However, I don't know you, and I speak on a sensitive — and often terrifying — topic, so I'm not going to speak directly to you because it may or may not apply to you. 

I'm going to type broadly to a collective — a collective in which you may or may not fall. And for the purpose of this particular piece, we'll refer to the individual suffering as a victim. Because, as you will see, in many instances, that is the case. And please note that being a victim and playing the victim are not the same. 

First and foremost: There is a massive reluctance for many victims to get to the source of their problem because, unfortunately, those closest to them — mum, dad, brother, sister, partners, close friends, and for sure employers — are often that source. And to make matters worse, it's not uncommon for the source to use their illness as a weapon against them. 

You're probably wondering how I could use loved ones and employers in the same category? The answer is based purely on proximity — environment matters. If you are working for an asshole who treats you like shit — you can snort all the air you want. He or she is still going to be an asshole and treat you like shit, thus making you feel like shit until you decide to drop the hammer and do something about it. Most choose to do nothing, and in doing so, fuel resentment. 

Now, regardless of whether the source uses it as a weapon or not, the victim justifiably harbors much resentment towards those who — willingly or unwillingly — have contributed to their anxious nightmare. And because they've had their worth destroyed over the years, they try to avoid conflict at all costs — even if that cost is a slow — or rapid — deterioration of their mental health. And yet, despite all this, they still don't want to rock the boat, so they try their best to live virtuously — hoping it will do the trick — when inside, resentment continues to build. And health continues to deteriorate. 

Anybody living under these circumstances is allowed to be pissed off. Anger is normal and healthy — as long as you deal with it. Suppressing it is not dealing with it. And the more you suppress it, the more you throw gasoline on the fire, which will only make circumstances significantly worse.  

This is anecdotal, but in terms of personality, you might find that victims in these circumstances score high in the trait "agreeableness." One of the documented downsides to this is resentment because agreeable people do their best to avoid conflict. Clinical psychologists will attempt to counter this through assertiveness training.

For obvious reasons, this kind of behavior — the avoidance of conflict and allowing resentment to build — is most common in family dynamics. Time and again, I have conversations with saints who are in floods of tears because they have family members who — unwillingly or not — appear to be insistent on making their life a misery. And the harbored resentment they hold towards them only pokes the fire. And yet, they continue to let them away with it regardless of the serious implications to their health.

Talk about taking the scenic route. When I find myself in such conversations, I often think to myself if I could just grab that family member, slap them to get their full attention, and let them know exactly the consequence their actions — or inactions — are having on their son, daughter, brother, sister, lover, mother, or father, etc. then they might accept some responsibility and apologise for their role in it. Thus, transforming their loved one's world. Which I think is what everyone wants to see. But you know, egos and shit. 

That is not to say this stuff isn't complicated and messy because it is. However, in many instances, it is that black and white. 

For instance, a young kid has a dream. Dad shits on it. He has another dream. Dad shits on it yet again. He dares to dream again. Dad's shit is starting to really stink. From years of being told he can't do shit and having his self-worth and self-belief destroyed, he reluctantly goes to college to study law to make daddy proud because that's what daddy wanted all along. 

It turns out he hates everything about the law and now has something far more challenging than proving R Kelly's innocence to a jury — a mind that's out to fuck him. 

He tries to confide in his parents, thinking to himself, 'Surely, when they learn how miserable I am, they will support me in making a change?' But they tell him to shut up complaining and be grateful. He shuts up, but he isn't grateful. Nor should he be. This goes on for years. And as the years tick on by, his resentment builds, and his existence becomes more isolating and desperate. He can't handle this world anymore. He wants out. 

That's just one off the top of my head made-up example of the many ways parents emotionally blackmail their kids while summoning them to a life of misery. 

Note: Children can also destroy their parent's mental health, but this is not a thesis I'm writing.

And here's where the plot thickens: 

Many parents truly believe they know what's best for their child, and their duty as a loving parent is to get you on the proper path so you don't mess up your entire life. Ironically, in doing so, they mess it up for you. All because they love you more than life itself. And some parents are just fully shit at their job and shouldn't be allowed to be a parent. Or at least forced into an education that will help ensure they suck way less at it. 

So what's the solution?

Ladies and gentlemen, I've babbled yet again. Here's what I want to say: If those closest to you are playing a significant role in your suffering while simultaneously hindering your recovery and fueling resentment, then maybe the time has come for you to confront that resentment?

It's never going to be easy to tell your mum, dad, brother, sister, child, or lover you harbor resentment towards them. But they're big boys and girls. And their comfort should not be gifted if the cost is your mental health. 

Just acknowledging it within yourself can be powerful. Get out a pen and pad and write a letter. Puke your feelings and emotions all over the page. It can be a very cathartic and therapeutic exercise in itself. Or speak to them. It can be loving. It should be loving. There are many routes to the path of forgiveness. And if done right, you might end up with that relationship you always dreamed of. 

Daniella Moyles spoke about a resentment she harbored towards her father for years in her incredible book, Jump, which I can't recommend enough. She confronted her father. She now has an incredibly loving relationship with him. From reading, I certainly got the impression that conversation was likely one of the most freeing and rewarding confrontations and conversations of her life. 

Maybe they need to hear it. And maybe you need to tell them. And maybe, just maybe, it will be one of the most freeing conversations you will ever engage in your life. Because the cost of not doing it might just be your mental health.

Over and out.