40 Life Lessons From 40 Years
This is one of those, "ooooh, I'm 40, how very exciting, let's write an article with 40 lessons for shits n giggles to celebrate…" type articles.
Here's the lowdown: the lessons aren't all mine; many I've learned from reading the books of brilliant minds, some I'm still learning, and many more are observations of tweaks clients have made to help completely transform their lives.
We're going rapid-fire, so let's dive straight in:
Life is hard. Pretending otherwise, particularly when you're going throw rough times, will only make it harder.
The sooner you get rid of people in your life who don't respect you, the better your life will be.
Always cheer for and support your friends. Why so many put so much energy into putting others down is beyond me. If they don't reciprocate and support you back, well, they're hardly a friend, are they?
If you have a funny story, don't preface it by telling people it's a funny story. It might be shit. Plus, you'll significantly increase the likelihood of them laughing by not raising expectations. That's just good practice. Learn to play with perception.
In a world of distraction, when you set out to complete a task, even if it's watching a movie on Netflix, you will derive far greater pleasure from the experience by turning off your phone for its duration. You will also increase productivity and efficiency in all areas of life by following this simple rule while significantly reducing stress levels.
Most self-help doesn't help. I strongly believe it negatively impacts mental health because most will only tell you what you want to hear and not what you need to hear. A lot of it is also written by perfectionists, a maladaptive trait in the realm of mental health if ever there was one. A caveat? There are some incredible teachers and writers out there. Seek them out.
Fuck purpose. It's some bullshit self-help gurus use to make you feel inadequate to get you to buy their products. Unfortunately, similar to happiness, it has become an insufferable pursuit for far too many and is likely contributing to the rise in depression, anxiety, and suicide. And yet, some of the biggest influencers in the space won't shut up about it. I get it. But I believe the way it’s being delivered is harmful.
A counter to my above point — pursuit is a beautiful thing. And if you are going to set out to accomplish something, it's best to pursue it with passion and gusto, but keep your expectations in check. Always. As Tony Robbins says, "most overestimate what they can achieve in a year and underestimate what they can achieve in a lifetime."
Genuine vulnerability lies in embracing or confronting guilt and shame. It's as raw as it gets. You may as well stand naked on stage at the Glastonbury festival. It's vulnerable because the waters are unchartered, and it requires massive amounts of courage. For that reason, it has the potential to be one of the most liberating acts you can do.
Fake vulnerability is a carefully constructed embellishment that aims to accomplish a specific goal. It's a convenient vulnerability, manipulation, or a lie.
A wise person once said, "When victimhood becomes currency, there's going to be plenty of counterfeiters." Victimhood has become currency. Therefore, beware of counterfeiters. Many don’t have a conscience and, therefore, will say anything and everything to raise their status and profile.
Only when you abandon false comfort and push through the barriers of discomfort will you be rewarded with true comfort.
Take the time to get to know yourself — your strengths, weaknesses, values, etc., so you can make informed decisions in all walks of life and not have someone else make them for you.
The ability to delay gratification is one of life's greatest virtues. Nobody knew this better than Mr. Miyagi in The Karate Kid. As pissed off as Daniel was at the time, he ended up achieving glory beyond his wildest imagination from listening to his Sensei.
The very worst thing you can do when your mental health is taking a beating is nothing. With that said, sometimes you absolutely need to rest and do nothing. Do so with intention.
As difficult as it can be to not go there on occasion, no good comes from self-pity, so change your environment when you go there to help gain perspective, and always try your best to focus on the solutions.
The best investments are the investments you make in yourself.
Most will garner far more joy in life from people that make them laugh, so cherish the bastards and laugh often.
Entrepreneurship is oversold and overrated. Autonomy is likely what you're after. There are many more ways of achieving it that are far less stressful.
Cherish those who believe in you, cheer for you, support you, and truly want what's best for you. Distance yourself from those that don't. Family members included. I'm repeating myself, but it's worth repeating.
The more you break a goal down, the more likely you are to succeed because it's less likely to overwhelm you.
The happiest people in the world, by all accounts, lead average lives. They are community focussed — they drink, dance, and have meaningful relationships. They do not view themselves as a single entity as we do in the west, and they certainly don't set out to be extraordinary — a message perpetuated by self-help as being key to a good life.
Saving money is always a good idea. Borrowing money to buy a fancy car you can't afford is not.
If you are experiencing anxiety or depression or dissatisfied with your life, the hardest decision you'll make is deciding to take action once and for all. The sooner you make that decision, the easier your life will become. Period. More action, less ruminating.
Happiness — similar to all emotions — is fleeting. Savor it when you have it.
Learn to befriend and listen to your negative emotions. They serve a purpose. Ignoring or suppressing them will only give rise to catastrophic consequences — consequences nobody in their right mind would ever want to deal with.
Learn to say NO.
Apologise when you're wrong.
Have at least one thing in life you must fight for.
Remember, at any given moment you can only do your best, so give it your best. And more importantly, remember you did your best when beating yourself up for not doing better in the future when you have the gift of hindsight.
Failure means growth. It sucks, but it's essential. Again, all you can do is do your best and learn from it.
When feeling anxious or depressed, it's good practice to find some joy in it. Maybe it permits you to say "fuck it" and give in to your vices? And sometimes, that's what you need because you're exhausting yourself from trying too hard to do everything right in the first place.
You can be the healthiest person in the world on paper and still want to kill yourself if your needs are not being met. Therefore, focus on getting your needs met.
"It's possible to care about the world without having to suffer for it" ~ Tim Desmond, The Anxiety Support Summit, 2020.
You can't undo the past. What you can and should do is accept reality and get to work on creating a better future.
Practice acceptance, self-compassion, gratitude, and patience. They can literally transform your life.
Move your body, stretch daily, and learn how to breathe — it's likely one of the best investments you'll ever make in your health.
If you must compare yourself to others, at least acknowledge your positive traits instead of having a laser focus on all your "perceived" inadequacies.
“By resisting what is, you prolong what will be” ~ Neill Strauss.
I would add that not only do you prolong it, you also increase the likelihood of it turning into a complete shit show.
And finally, get help — for everything and anything. And help others. We weren't put here to do it alone.
Over & out.