How to Beat Stress and Optimise Your Mental Health for Lasting Happiness

Why don't we ever learn? Why, with all we now know, do stress levels continue to skyrocket? Why do the majority ignore early warning signs and wait until there's shit sprayed literally everywhere before taking action? 

And why do the words of the Dalai Lama ring more true today than they did back whenever he supposedly said them? Those words? When asked what surprised him most about humanity, he answered:

"Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

Are we now more confused than ever? I suspect. Addicted to cheap pleasures, screens and dopamine? Hard to argue. Fixated on quick fixes that don't work? Perhaps. Or do the majority simply have no interest in putting in the time or effort required to alleviate their stress?

These are questions I'm not going to even try to answer. But because mental health is like chess - complex- I will offer up a framework I use to help clients – and now, hopefully, you - arrive at check, time and again. Why not checkmate, you ask? Because that would imply the game is over, and the game is never over. Part of optimal mental health - or health in general - is the ability the bounce back from inevitable setbacks. Check - not checkmate.

What I share here is not simple, but very possible. The happiest people I know have it nailed. I cannot foresee how anyone who pulls it off will not look back, having lived an incredible life.

First, I need to clarify a few things:

• I'm not a psychologist. But I am educated, through hundreds of books, numerous courses (both in-person and online), my own excruciatingly painful mistakes, invaluable lessons, and eight years of experience helping others.

• I'm trauma-informed and, to a degree, trauma trained. Part of that is knowing when I have absolutely no business working with someone because they fall out of the scope of my competency. i.e. severe mental illness. 

• Mental health and mental illness are not the same. This article speaks to mental health. 

• My past is riddled with anxiety, chronic stress, panic attacks, the associated depression, and cPTSD, all of which I am comfortable supporting people through. None of which is a prerequisite to benefit from this article or work. 

• This subject is incredibly complex, as are we as a species. There are many variables that need to be taken into account on a case-by-case basis.

• Environment matters, both past and present.

• Any one-size solution for all is largely a gimmick - especially when touted as simple and instant, which, unfortunately, is often the case.

• .For real healing to take place, it is necessary to get to the root of the problem, which most will do anything – and everything - to avoid.

• A multi-disciplinary approach to achieving this is far more potent than any stand-alone modality. 

Also, I am not preaching. I hate that. Take it or leave it. My life is not perfect. I have made horrific fuck ups in the past because I didn’t know any better. I do this because it is everything I wish I had stumbled upon all those years ago that would have made life significantly easier and more enjoyable.

Now, if we're going to discuss mental health, I guess we should go ahead and try to define it. So, let's give it a lash.

What is mental health?

Mental health is health - with a brutal stigma attached to it. Unfortunately, that stigma results in overwhelming SHAME. So while we all have our demons, most try to hide them for eternity.  

According to Freud,

"Mental health is the ability to love and work, to engage in fulfilling relationships and to find satisfaction in meaningful pursuits."

I love this definition because it contains no abstract, woke BS that's likely to contribute to an identity crisis and a worsening of one's symptoms. I know we've come a long way since Freud, but history tends to repeat itself. While anxiety and stress are more prevalent, many of our existential problems remain the same, albeit now with more sophisticated packaging.  

Freud also believed,

"Mental health was closely related to a person's ability to express their true desires and emotions in a way that was honest and authentic." 

Now, we have a problem: The internet is full of inauthentic people preaching authenticity. It's also full of highly calculated, manipulative individuals preaching vulnerability. Both are often celebrated and rewarded. I'd argue they're giving mental health a terrible reputation. We saw this with the Crying CEO, who posted a selfie in tears, pretending to care about the staff he had to let go while making it all about how wonderful he was for shedding a few tears he so conveniently happened to photograph and post. It was straight from the vulnerability playbook, but the internet woke up to it, and the poor bastard suffered a public execution I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

I have a theory: Many people are repelled because they see the aforementioned bullshit for what it is. They don't draw the line between inauthenticity and authenticity or vulnerability and manipulation - they simply want nothing to do with it. And who can blame them? 

But vulnerability and authenticity are essential ingredients for a happy, fulfilled life. And what's even more unfortunate, many – especially men – would rather live with all that pain and shame and suffering than confront it for fear of how they might be perceived. 

I don't think it's unjust to say we live in an emotionally repressed society where most of us have been conditioned to suppress our emotions from childhood and, as a result, are now scared shitless to express ourselves as adults, thus, denying authenticity. 

We brand emotions as positive or negative when really, they're just emotions. They already have a label. We know what they mean. By further branding them as "positive" or "negative", we only complicate matters and mindlessly chase those we deem positive while suppressing, running, hiding, or denying those we deem negative. 

We assume we're failing at life if and when we're not "happy." Obviously, this has consequences. Some will create an internal environment reminiscent of hell. Others will offload their pain and, in doing so, hurt innocent people for no reason at all. I've done both. Neither is ideal. 

While the prescription is not to grab a megaphone and take to the streets, if we cannot share authentically for fear of rejection or whatever, it can result in quite a spectacular shit show down the road. This translates to our relationships, and not just intimate - all relationships. The longer it goes on, the more spectacular the show. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Recently, I heard a story on the hilarious podcast Nearlyweds. A gay man who had been hiding his sexuality his entire life plucked up the courage to come out to his Mum. He did so in a cute roundabout way... 

You can almost see his head looking to the floor in nervous anticipation as he made his big reveal. Upon doing so, his Mum immediately left the room. Now you can see him sitting there, head down, tears in his eyes, embroiled in shame after his mother - the woman he probably loves the most - rejected him. But she didn't. Mum quickly returned with a bottle of champagne to celebrate his coming out. And at that moment, I suspect the biggest weight you could imagine lifted from his shoulders as he freed himself from an insurmountable amount of stress, worry, angst, and shame.

Boom. Way to go, Mum. No theatrics for social media - that there is a story of genuine vulnerability and authenticity.

Clearly, I’m going on presumption, but what do you think freed him from his own angst? It was his blurting out what he was holding in.

Copywriter Jay Abraham famously said, “Sometimes the best copy to sell a horse is ‘Horse for Sale.’” The same principle applies here. We almost always overcomplicate things. Sometimes, it really is that simple. Sometimes, you just need to get out what you’re holding in. And on that note, I’m going to pause for a brief bathroom break. You might want to grab yourself a cup of tea?

Obviously, and unfortunately, not all stories like that have a happy ending, which would be an entirely different article. Nice guy that I am; here’s one I prepared earlier, which you can read here. 

When trying to define mental health myself, I keep returning to four words: safety, acceptance, community, and resilience. 

We all need to feel safe and secure in our skin and surroundings most of the time. We also need to accept that we cannot experience such luxury all of the time, and frankly, life would be boring if we could. We need good people in our lives. And finally, now more than ever, we need resilience to deal with the pace and madness of this world, which brings us to the million-dollar question: 

Is A Multi-Discipline Approach The Answer?

If you were paying attention, you'd have noticed I mentioned a multi-discipline approach being far more potent in the bullets above. I'd say it's essential. 

Look around; we’re all jumpin’ around like the House of Pain, hopping from one modality to the next, with little to no patience, wondering why nothing gives. So why has nobody told you to combine modalities before? 

Many do, but I have another theory: Because the internet demands people who are cocksure of themselves, everyone simply has to believe their offering is the best. And then shit on others to strengthen their tribe or whatever. 

The more conviction they have, the better they do. It’s great for them, but perhaps not so great for you. Confirmation bias also sees us look for evidence to support our views and dismiss that which challenges them. 

The algorithms love it because most – especially when it comes to mental health - crave and demand absolute certainty. And while in theory, this would be great, the reality is not so kind. 

If you read the work of top experts, you will notice they all have a healthy level of scepticism. They speak to nuance and complexity and acknowledge with absolute certainty that no uniform approach works for all. Not even science gets it right 100% of the time. 

It's exciting to learn - and even more exciting to believe – there's one simple cure to eradicate all your symptoms. It can be soul-destroying to learn the hard way that it doesn't work like that. 

Many stumble into "learned helplessness" because they place too much hope on quick fixes – all of which are marketed with incredible finesse. And when it doesn't work? Well, that's your problem. Fuck you, next… And, worse, these people begin to believe they really are the problem. 

You're not the problem - although that’s not a responsibility pass. The dude who promises to purge your anxiety in 60 seconds or less forever is the problem. Or the narcissistic coach who mastered sales, marketing and nothing else is the problem. 

Now answer me this: Do you want to start seeing real, lasting results? To get on the right trajectory and give yourself the best possible odds at success and happiness?

If the answer is "YES," then it is imperative to take a multi-discipline approach.

In his book "The Body Keeps the Score," Bessel van der Kolk emphasises the importance of a multi-disciplinary approach to healing. He argues trauma affects the mind, body, and spirit and that recovery requires a holistic approach that addresses all of these aspects.

When it comes to trauma, I doubt any other way is possible. But, even with high stress due to the pressures of modern-day life, a holistic, intuitive, multi-disciplinary approach that addresses your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual* well-being will be significantly more potent and long-lasting — you have to work with both the body and mind.

*If, like me, you're turned off by new-age spirituality, you can rest assured that's not what I'm talking about. You get to define what that word means to you.  

Obviously, I have my biases, too, so let's address them: I specialise in helping legends overcome debilitating stress, anxiety, overwhelm, etc. I don't do this for a laugh. I do it because I was seriously fucked up for a long time and unbelievably frustrated with the support I received when I needed it most. None of it helped; it only hindered. So I'm another coach. And like so many, I am fascinated by the healing power of the breath, which ultimately compelled me to complete a 400-hour in-depth breathwork practitioner training. That's my one-two punch, but there's so much more to this. 

Now, let us take off down the yellow brick road to help you identify where your focus needs to be to smooth out the crevasses on what can be a very rocky road. 

Introducing The Free Your Mind Framework

While presented as linear, this work is anything but linear. The objective is to cross the T's and dot the I's so you can identify key areas to focus on, the direction you need to take, and the turbulence you must withstand to ensure everything blends beautifully together. 

Some will get to leapfrog to the top tier, where we cover human needs, while others will need to spend time laying a solid foundation. We're covering them all. 

This is the system I believe in. Probably because I made it up (confirmation what?), but the ingredients were always there - Free Your Mind just happens to be my special blend.

(Note: A major part of any emotional work is getting to the root of the problem, devising a solution, and taking intentional action that will eradicate or lessen the symptoms and, in doing so, improve your quality of life. It will be significantly easier with support and guidance.)

We start by creating a stable foundation. We then deploy tools, develop skills, and ultimately work to meet your needs in a healthy manner. 

Creating A Stable Foundation 

Too many try to do this work without a stable foundation in place. The image below says it all. Assuming you want to be the dude on the left, you're going to need a stable foundation from which to work. 

The power of stable foundation.

So what does a stable foundation look like? 

Let's break it down into both health and mindset fundamentals. Covering the basics here only; you'll find entire books on each if you please.

Mindset fundamentals

Often touted as the holy grail, I'm reluctant to include self-awareness for a couple of reasons: Firstly, it's a by-product of this work and falls largely in the understanding category. Secondly, too much self-awareness can be a problem stemming from an over-reliance on self-help. 

The benefits you get when these fundamentals fall into place are far from minor. I've seen many lives transform, and many more make their lives significantly more difficult by denying them. And because of that, although boring, if you are struggling, this is arguably the most important section. 

• Understanding

I had panic attacks for five years before I finally found out what they were. That sounds crazy, I know, but it was 20 years ago when mental health was hardly discussed at all. Despite seeing countless professionals, nobody explained what was going on. I literally thought I was going crazy and dying at the same time. I was the kid Googling early onset dementia and demanding MRI’s to locate the giant tumours hiding inside of me. It would take another ten years or so before I began to understand trauma and that I had developed cPTSD from the relentless anguish. 

Now imagine someone had explained to me what was going on, what was wrong, and what I could do about it. How different would my life have been?

I sure as shit can guarantee I wouldn't be typing these words for you today. 

While I am in no position to diagnose, nor would I, helping people connect the dots to understand the driving force behind their symptoms while getting to the root cause opens the doors for some much-needed self-compassion, which makes all inner work significantly easier. 

In addition, you'll benefit greatly from understanding who the hell YOU are – your personality, values, shadows, beliefs, goals, etc. 

There is a dark side to understanding: Too often, people tend to over-identify with symptoms and inevitably use what they deem wrong with them to victimise themselves. They think they understand and connect with content that isn't in the least bit helpful and, as a result, completely miss the mark with the next - most important - fundamental. 

• Acceptance

The wizard that is J.K Rowling outdid herself when she delivered this cracker of a line: 

"Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery." 

Often misunderstood, acceptance is critical. It's not about admitting defeat. Quite the contrary, it is about accepting reality and acknowledging that work needs to take place for change to happen and that only you – nobody else – can decide to do something about it.

The opposite of denial, acceptance is about as empowering a mindset as you can get. 

• Healthy Expectations

Unfortunately, we live in a world where batshit expectations are the norm. Charlatans love to leverage this. That’s no minor problem because those with batshit expectations are likely to make zero progress or go backwards. The opposite is true for those with healthy expectations. 

I might add that only with acceptance can you have healthy expectations. (My God, look at me go!)

• Patience

There is such a thing as being too patient. However, those who take responsibility and are determined - more often than not - have to confront their lack of patience as one of the last pieces in the puzzle that, once acknowledged and embodied, will speed up their journey tenfold. 

There's your jab, right hook, uppercut, and kick to the nuts for good measure. Everything is going to be easier with a stable foundation. And onwards we go. 

Health Fundamentals

• Nutrition

I'm not a nutritionist, but diet matters, especially when stressed, because stress messes with your gut health, which plays a critical role in mental health through the gut-brain axis. 

Serotonin, a neurotransmitter involved in regulating mood, appetite, and sleep, is largely produced in the gut: roughly 95% and some 50% dopamine. Therefore, the health of your microbiome can significantly impact your mood, behaviour, and cognitive processes. 

Some will need to go on a strict diet to repair their gut (you can research the GAPS diet), but in general, a diet high in fibre and fermented foods like kefir and sauerkraut while reducing sugar and processed crap will help reduce inflammation, improve mood, cognitive function, and overall health. 

A bad diet does the opposite. 

• Hydration

Research has shown that even mild dehydration can negatively affect mood, leading to increased anxiety, tension, and irritability. According to the lay press, 75% of Americans are walking around with mild to severe dehydration.

Therefore, and honestly, this should be obvious, but staying hydrated is essential for maintaining optimal health. 

• Movement

Our ancestors would be disgusted if they could see us now, hunched over, staring at TVs, phones, and laptops for hours on end. Every. Single. Day. All of this lands in our nervous system, and the results are far from promising. 

Exercise has been shown to positively impact mental health by reducing symptoms of anxiety and depression, improving mood, self-esteem, and enhancing cognitive function. 

And if that's not motivation enough, movement can be a great way to manage stress and promote relaxation, with activities such as yoga, tai chi, or even walking in nature proven to have a calming effect on both mind and body. 

Get your steps in, yo!

• Sleep

Ensuring you get enough high-quality sleep each night, typically between 7-9 hours, is essential for achieving optimal health.

But you're busy, you're stressed, and you can't just fall asleep on a whim. And yet it seems nobody will shut up about how a lack of sleep destroys your health, causing you to be even more stressed and less likely to sleep. 

A consequence of stress for many is shit sleep. And it's a vicious cycle. For years, I could hardly sleep unless intoxicated. I'd roll around in pain, losing my mind. I pray to God I don't jinx it, but now I sleep like a baby, and it’s not because I'm staring at the sun every morning, although studies suggest that helps. My best guess is it's a by-product of getting all that chronic stress under control.

• Breathwork

I was going to have this in the tools section, but the reality is breath is fundamental to health. People laugh at those preaching breathwork, but it’s no laughing matter. Stress causes maladaptive breathing, which in turn causes stress, impacting the health of our endocrine, nervous, and metabolic systems - all of which are critical for optimal health. 

Not all breathwork is created equal; some take place in a clinical setting where safety is paramount, and contraindications should be considered. But you can do many more breathing exercises daily on your own that will help increase resilience within your nervous system while improving your overall health.

Take box breathing, for example. 

The Tools

When you understand your stressors, etc., you'll be far better positioned to choose the best tools for you. Some tools are great for relaxation, others for activation. Many go hard on activation when relaxation is what’s required. This can be particularly true for breathwork without proper guidance. 

Some tools are more potent than others—some you'll do daily, once a month, a year, or once in a lifetime. 

Some are so subtle you may not notice, and yet the payoff will be more than you could hope for years down the line. Some can be so transformative and potent that they'll blow your mind in an instant. 

 With good fundamentals in place and an understanding of the tools you choose to deploy, you'll have an idea of the results you can expect and the timeline in which to expect them. 

Remember to bring a sense of curiosity and playfulness as, ideally, you are seeking a blend you can convert to habit to slide into your routine, from which you'll reap massive, compounding rewards for years to come. 

Nervous system regulation and metabolic health are paramount, but those tools that help challenge and shift your beliefs, perception, and mindset, I’d argue, are equally important. The mind-body connection is real, which is why focusing on one and ignoring the other is likely a costly mistake. 

A few of the many tools you may experiment with:

Breathwork, yoga, meditation, Qigong, journaling, gratitude, walking, music, acupuncture, tai-chi, float tanks, psychedelics, chiropractic, therapy, coaching, running, yin yoga, yoga nidra, EFT, fasting, art, ice baths, saunas, massage, team sports, community involvement, volunteering, somatic movement practices, mindfulness, dancing, fuckin' lego, any hobby you love that gets you into a state of flow... and on and on and on and on it goes.

What works for you is your business and your business alone. You don't need to sell it, nor do you need approval from others. They might roll their eyes, which will only piss you off, and that's the last thing you want or need. 

The Skills

Is it a tool or a skill? Semantics. They're all important. Many will be a by-product; others will need your full attention if they're completely foreign. 

Self-compassion seems to put the shits up people the most, but it's also been shown to be a great predictor of mental well-being while being negatively correlated with depression. 

Here are just some of the skills you may wish to focus on developing over the years that will not only pay off in the short term but yield massive returns in the long:

- Self-compassion

- Positive self-talk (i.e. not being a complete asshole to yourself)

- Listening (to others, because we're being conditioned to make everything about us)

- Communication

- Gratitude (practised every day forever, and more)

- Healthy boundaries

- Mindfulness 

There are, of course, many more, not limited to self-belief, self-esteem, self-trust, decisiveness, self-love, self-confidence, so and so forth.

Now, we get to dive into the good stuff, which, too often, is overlooked. 

Human Needs

Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts, responding to critics before the SuperBowl, told reporters, "I had a purpose before everybody an opinion... it's not about anybody else. " 

It was jovial, and I love it because how I interpret it is that Hurts is essentially saying I know who I am and whatever you say isn't going to change that. 

This is why it pays to know yourself because if you can't formulate your own opinions, someone else will be waiting, only too happy to form them for you. It's where the world of influencers can become a bad influence. 

So much fear-mongering and projecting of ideologies takes place online to convert others to a way of thinking that might not serve them. Regardless, they adopt without seriously considering the agenda or what it is they want from life. 

Of course, we all want to be as healthy as can be, but where's the line of diminishing returns? Where does our fixation on health and well-being begin to negatively impact happiness? That line will be different for everyone because -  shock-horror - we're all different, which is why, with all the crazy noise and distractions out there, you need to understand who you are and focus your energy on creating a life that makes you happy. 

Making sure you're meeting your needs in a healthy manner is what's really going to transform your life and happiness. 

Put it this way: It is conceivable that many people who would be classified as "unhealthy" by today's standards and health metrics live an undeniably happy life and will go to the grave that way because they are meeting their needs in a healthy manner. 

It is inconceivable to believe the opposite is true for those who have perfect "health metrics" yet aren't getting their basic needs met. You can master all the tools you like and even pour coffee up your bum (it's a thing), but if you're not healthily meeting your needs, there will be consequences. 

The goal is to identify your needs, understand how you are currently meeting them, any negative impact arising from how you are currently meeting them, and what changes need to occur to ensure you begin to meet them healthily through intentional action, which will transpire into a healthier, happier, more fulfilled you. Yaaaay!

While my friends all see me as a little drop of sunshine, I can assure you I'm no Willy Wonka. That said, there have been periods in my life when I have been exponentially happy. And I'm not referring to an MDMA trip; I'm referring to life in general over an extended period, post-apocalypse. 

Upon reflection, it's because of all the above and, more importantly, because my needs were being met in a healthy manner. 

Clearly, I have crap friends which is obviously something I need to address.

Once you understand your needs, how you are currently meeting them, your values and who you are, it will become crystal clear where shit's going wrong. Realistically, it probably won’t feel very good, but as Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Most stay put. This is the battleground; it’s time to win the war. You can then run an analysis and match your needs to your values to understand where your efforts will yield the greatest return. 

By doing so, you'll be in a position to create the best course of action for you, thus dramatically increasing your odds of everything falling beautifully into alignment. 

I might also add that sometimes it is essential to take on more stress than you'd like to get to where you want, but the sacrifice will be significantly easier to manage once you know what you're fighting for. Not to mention, you'll have the right tools to help you get there. 

The human needs I speak of as taught by Tony Robbins are: 

1. Certainty: The need for security, predictability, and stability.

2. Variety: The need for change, novelty, and excitement, as well as emotional variety.

3. Significance: The need to feel important, valued, and special.

4. Love & connection: The need for intimacy, closeness, and connection with others.

 - - - - -

 5. Growth: The need for personal development, learning, and progress.

 6. Contribution: The need to give back and contribute to something larger than ourselves.

According to Robbins, these needs are universal and drive all human behaviour. Other psychologists will use slightly different terminology. For example, you might hear significance referred to as esteem & recognition. Same shit. So, if you have any negative feelings towards Robbins, please put them aside for a minute because the dude is incredibly skilled at what he does. 

Over time, many of us are conditioned to meet our needs in ways that hurt us through defence mechanisms, behavioural maladaptations that once kept us safe, and other sinister stuff bubbling beneath the surface. So paradoxically, our needs end up fuelling our anxiety, stress, depression, anger or sadness. 

How's that for a head-scratcher?

Basically, if you're not meeting your needs in a healthy manner, under a microscope, you'll likely find you're engaging in behaviour attempting to do so, and more often than not, the result will be stress, pain or even despair – certainly for you, but often for those around you as well. 

An extreme example is Joker. Mental illness, psychopathy, and all that aside, all Joker wanted was to be accepted. You could make a strong argument his actions were driven by the need for love, connection, and significance. But he got bullied, beat up and ridiculed. The reason so many – controversially – empathised with Joker is because, as an audience, we could see and feel his pain and suffering. No human should be treated like that. But the abuse kept coming until, finally, the breaking point. 

Courtesy of Warner Bros via Variety.

Despite his past efforts and good intentions, everything he had done in his life up until that point made him feel worthless. Eventually, the pain became too much, and so, In the most extreme way, he changed tact. Before killing the host of a talk show on Live TV, Joker admitted to killing three men on the subway, and when asked why, he responded, "I've got nothing left to lose… nothing can hurt me anymore." And out came the gun for his finale. 

As Joker was driven away in the patrol car, he watched the ensuing riots unfold from other wannabe Jokers with a big smile on his face. He'd found his people. Love, connection, significance - what he valued most and what he'd been seeking his whole life. 

Fortunately, there are healthier ways to go about this. And more fortunately, often, tiny behavioural changes can result in massive perception shifts. 

Now, let's examine some of our more prominent needs:

• Safety & Security 

 Safety and security provide a foundation for physical and emotional well-being, allowing you to feel protected and stable in your environment.

 Unfortunately, due to adverse experiences, often from childhood or a traumatic event, it is extremely common for adults to NOT feel safe within their bodies or environment.

If this is a problem, it has to be fixed, and you have an abundance of tools and professionals that can help. 

• Significance (Esteem & recognition)

Humans have a natural need for esteem and recognition; we want to feel significant, respected, and valued by others. This need is closely linked to our sense of self-worth and confidence and can significantly impact our mental and emotional well-being. 

I.e. There's only so much Not giving a fuck you can do.

When we receive positive feedback and recognition from others, we are more likely to feel motivated, engaged, and satisfied in our personal and professional lives. Additionally, when we have a healthy sense of self-esteem, we are more resilient in the face of challenges and setbacks and can better pursue our goals and aspirations. 

So do yourself a favour and distance yourself from assholes, and be super cautious with social media, which is fast becoming a vehicle for many to attempt to meet their needs while creating much inner turmoil in the process.  

• Love & connection 

Building and maintaining solid relationships with others is key to a fulfilled life. It's your pot of gold. This need is rooted in our biology, as our brains release chemicals such as oxytocin and dopamine in response to social bonding and physical touch. 

Our need for love and connection is essential to our well-being and happiness. 

Sadly, with society becoming more individualistic and automated, loneliness now appears more pervasive than ever. This is a serious problem that should be addressed at a societal level, although I wouldn't get my hopes up, so it's up to you, to us all, to do what's required to cultivate great relationships in our lives. 

• Contribution

Robbins argues both growth and contribution are spiritual needs - where you find true fulfilment. So, while contribution is not one of our core needs, it is worth discussing, and probably not for the reasons you think; I’m going to be a little sinister here.

In the world of self-help and healing, contribution is packaged in many forms and aggressively sold as the resolution to all life’s problems.

I call bullshit – with an Asterix. Why? Because too many unconsciously neglect - or try to leapfrog - their basic needs in pursuit of "enlightenment.”  

Contribution should be selfless. Much of what we hear and see is grandiose storytelling, marketing, or virtue signalling to drive sales and traffic. Companies do it, and individuals do it. Suffice it to say contribution is not what drives them. 

Now, I don't care about that because most of it is harmless. What I do care about is a crisis of purpose, which sees many believe they have no purpose because they’re not doing something grandiose they love, and now their life is worthless because of it. 

I'm not trying to put you off living your best life or pursuing something meaningful you love; quite the contrary, it's just that love has a fuse that will quickly burn out if you have to suffer for it. I've made all these mistakes myself, and I cannot emphasise enough the importance of getting your more basic needs met first. 

That said, some can pull it off in tandem, and by contributing to something larger than yourself, such as a community or a cause, you may feel a sense of belonging and purpose that can only enhance your mental and emotional health. That's amazing. And even more amazing, you’ve pretty much made it to the end of this article, so way to go you!

In Summary

Ensure you are working from a stable foundation. Figure out 3 or 4 tools to help regulate your nervous system, and gain a level of mastery over your emotions, etc. 

Work to develop skills such as self-compassion, gratitude, breathwork, meditation, etc., all of which will give you a significant return on investment. 

And finally, conduct an audit on how you are currently meeting your needs and create a plan to implement change best aligned with your values to ensure your life gets a whole lot better. And please don’t forget to live your life and have fun along the way. 

Parting Words

Remember: Health, happiness, and all that good stuff - it's not a God-given right, although I fear many believe it should be and condemn themselves to a life of misery in the process. 

Like everything, you have to work for it. That's acceptance. With that comes both the good and the bad. Due to adverse experiences, some will have to work harder than others. That's also acceptance. 

While you might have a Eureka moment, which may well feel euphoric, especially if you've been banging your head against a brick wall, the amalgamation of all this work is not something accomplished on a weekend. Nor should it be because this is for life. But once you begin to move towards 'check' and alleviate any awful symptoms, you'll soon begin to enjoy the process. 

And we're almost certain to fall out of alignment from time to time, but at least now, you'll be able to accept it, identify the problem, and work to resolve it. Always looking for that next move to bring you one step closer to 'check.’

Checkmate. The end. 

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